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My Little Cubs...My "Pride" and Joy

Okay so after years of bad attitudes, rolling my eyes, talking back, being defiant, and who knows what else with my teachers...I now have a class of my own. . .11 oooohh so adorable 2nd graders. On some days it boggles my mind to think that I am actually a teacher. Yes, it was something I dreamed of and role played as a child but here I am...Grown, paying bills (most of the time) passing on my knowledge and being held accountable for it. Wheew! I admit, I have had my days where I didn't want to hear my name yelled one more time...or wanting to turn in my classroom keys (to say it nicely) but when I actually stop and think about it...a child's laughter can erase some of the heaviest stresses in the world (at least for the moment.)

Today I sat on the desktop of one of my students. I do it all of the time out of habit when I am teaching. I usually sit on an empty desk...but today I sat on a little boy's desk because he wasn't sitting there at first. Then he came back to his seat. For some reason it tickled him so much that I was sitting on his desk. Everytime I looked down at him he would laugh. Who knows....maybe it's just weird for a teacher to sit on her student's desk. His giggle forced me to giggle and the next thing you know most of my students were giggling too. Now this may seem cheesy and lame but to hear a classroom full of 2nd grade giggles is like heaven. Then in the wonderful moment of bliss another student looks up and says, "I like your hair." Now let me explain...I have recently cut my hair VERY short. To most of my students that is unheard of. So to hear her say that made me want to take her to Six Flags LOL. They are soooo precious!

At the end of a long work day/week...I'm glad to say my lil cubs keep me smiling...

Makata

A Small Mental Deposit: If you know that you aren't who you say you are...don't get upset when people realize the truth! People get a better sense of the "true" you before you even open your mouth to convince them otherwise.

Makata

Breaking Free From M.E.

(Mental Enslavement)

Trying to break free from M.EŠ Mental EnslavementŠI wrestled alone. Unaware that I had created this mental bondage from my own/ perceptions of what I thought I should be/What people wanted me to be/or me just wanting to be the opposite of me. Daily staring at my reflectionŠI felt ugly. Ugly beyond the physical because I assumed that whatever I exuded on the outside penetrated to my inner being. So I lived my life shackled by M.E. entrapped in an ugly mental cage/ I was secretly enraged by this feeling/I was no where close to healing. I was barred in by my thoughts of self doubt, self pity, low-self worth. I chose the verdict of a life sentence and I didn¹t even have a judge or jury but I was the defendant and the plaintiff, plaintively trying to plead my case to my own mind. Everything I tried to convince myself I should be seemed further and further away from my reach. If I could just be free from meŠFREE FROM M.E.!! Things would be okay, but I had me trapped and I had thrown away the key. The key to my own beauty. See, the key is love and since love didn¹t live there anymore then who needed the key? .....The answer is me! The key that unlocked the shackles that weighed me down and kept me from reaching for the true me. I needed to love me!

I realized that no one could find beauty in me more than I could find it in myself. What you see when you look at me is reflected from my eyes, which they say are the windows to your soul/that¹s what I was told. So, if my soul is beautiful then that is what you will see when you look at the true me. No longer ugly but a beauty to see. I had to rid my mind of the impurities of self inflicted verbal abuse/because what use/ would that do if I wanted to love myself. I could no longer convince me/ that I was not worthy. Standing confidently on the fact that I was beautifully and wonderfully created just to be meŠand NO ONE could possess the qualities that were carefully tailored for me. Uniquely designed to project the beauty of me AND HE!

Breaking free from M.E. was more than a victory/ it was a journey/ to regions of my mind and soul that I had never tapped into. I felt free to discover what M.E. had never allowed me to recognize. It had been hidden for all of these years/I had been blinded by my overflow of tears. I AM what people want me to be and that is ME! Not picture perfectÅ .just me! Not flawlessÅ .but me! And that is when I was truly set free. I was able to bask in the beauty of MEÅ 

Yet whenever I find myself being anything other than me, I quickly begin to feel the invisible chains that suffocate and surround M.E. And though I love the feeling of being free from M.EÅ .I sometimes find myself falling back towards the arms of M.EÅ .but I will fightÅ fight never to return to the control of M.EÅ .as I endure the never ending struggle of breaking free from M.E. Mental Enslavement.

Makata

It's funny how we spend our whole lives with a false sense of reality. We are held captive by our own thoughts and we are the only ones that hold the power to be set free. Most of our battles are battles in the mind. I will admit, most of my battle wounds are self inflicted.

I have just recently been freed from my childhood feelings of being unwanted and unloved. As a child I was a little...Ok...I was extremely defiant and attitudinal. I wanted to be free to do what I wanted(who didn't)...But Mom's wasn't having that! So, we spent countless times going into battle (The Bear and the Lion). As tough as I thought I was, I really was super sensitive. I cried often but tried to save face in every battle. I always felt she was harder on me than my siblings. My mother and I were identical. Well at least 98% the same. From looks to the way we acted and expressed ourselves. She was me and I was she! I just knew in my heart that she hated me.
Here I am 30 years in the making of "Makata" and I've recently had conversations with my beautiful sister and aunt about how they viewed me and my mother's relationship. They revealed to me that I was actually my mom's favorite. Now, although this may seem like no big deal, I have spent my whole life wondering if my mom actually liked me. It has caused disturbing dreams and plenty of feelings of low self worth. To put it plainly, I had a lot of hurts trying to answer the question... "She loves me, she loves me not..."

I said all of that to say this...Sometimes we perceive things completely opposite of how they really are. We hold on to that thing that could very well free our hearts, minds, and souls so we can experience the true joys of life. We are free to be set free but we hold ourselves back. I never asked my mom when she was alive how she felt about me but I could have. I appreciate the efforts Nzinga/Ndugu, elders, brothers, sisters, ancestors, parents, friends, and everyone else have made to guide me to releasing one of the heaviest burdens on my heart for the past 30 years.

Healing is as easy as A.B.C. (Acknowledging Believing and Crying)

Makata